Throughout this series, we have been thinking about sex.

But at the end, something rather curious comes into view.

Much of what we have explored in these chapters is actually not about what happens while we are having sex.

What we imagine beforehand.

Wanting someone.

Hoping we might be chosen.

Feeling lonely after being turned down.

Remembering it afterward.

Wanting to have sex again.

Seen that way, what moves us for so much of our lives may be

not sex itself, but the time we are not having sex.

Sex has a ‘before’

You arrange to meet someone.

The meeting is still days away, but you already look forward to it.

You choose what to wear.

You take a little extra care of your body.

You think about what you might talk about.

You imagine the possibility of sex, even before knowing whether it will happen.

Or you might fantasize about sex with someone you have never met.

You might create a story in your mind while masturbating.

Not a single second of actual sex has taken place.

Yet your feelings are already moving.

In other words, we can imagine a sexual experience that does not yet exist and let that future shape how we feel in the present.

That seems a rather remarkable ability.

And there is an ‘after’

When sex ends, everything does not simply disappear.

You remember the pleasure of that time.

You remember what the other person said.

Sometimes a feeling of fulfillment remains.

Sometimes you wish you could stay together longer.

At other times, you feel lonely without quite knowing why.

You may feel, ‘That wasn’t what I had imagined.’

The intensity of an orgasm alone cannot explain these differences.

Sex becomes an experience that includes how we feel after it is over.

That is how a brief encounter becomes a memory.

And sex remembered can become the desire that comes next.

‘I want that time again.’

Sometimes that is what we think.

Or perhaps,

‘Next time, I want something a little different.’

We may feel that way too.

Experience shapes our next act of imagination.

BEFORE / DURING / AFTER

Let us divide these five chapters into three periods of time.

BEFORE

Imagining. Anticipating. Looking for someone. Choosing. Wanting to be chosen.

DURING

Touching. Becoming aroused. Feeling your body. Feeling intimacy. Sometimes having an orgasm.

AFTER

Feeling satisfied. Remembering. Feeling at ease. Feeling lonely. Wanting it again.

Sex itself occupies only the middle.

But the sexual experience extends far beyond it, into the time before and after.

Perhaps this brings us a little closer to answering our first question.

Why does sex have such a hold on us when it occupies so little of our lives?

Perhaps it is not simply because we are chasing a moment of pleasure.

What a service for women reveals about this question

Finally, let us consider this question from where we at OPUS stand.

There is something rather distinctive about a sexual service for women.

A woman chooses a man of her own free will and pays for time spent with him.

Looking only at that fact, it would be easy to call it

‘a service for women who want sex.’

That would be a simple explanation.

But it would also leave things out of view.

If orgasm were all that mattered, masturbation would be another option.

If romance itself were the goal, there would be the option of a romantic relationship.

If it were only conversation, time with a friend could offer that too.

And yet some women want to choose intimate time with a man who is not their partner.

What is there in that choice?

Wanting to touch a man’s body.

Wanting to be touched.

Wanting to enjoy sex.

Wanting someone to give you thoughtful attention.

Wanting time that feels different from everyday life.

Enjoying being treated as a woman.

Wanting intimacy just for that time, without bringing a romance or a shared life into it.

Of course, women do not all have the same reasons.

If anything, we feel that it is only natural for each woman’s reasons to be different.

‘I want sex’ was never just one desire

In Chapter 1, we considered the thought:

Would life have been simpler if we had never needed sex?

That was where we began.

In Chapter 2, we thought about the brief pleasure of orgasm and the much longer time spent wanting.

In Chapter 3, we explored why sex cannot happen alone: another person’s consent, choosing, and being chosen.

In Chapter 4, we considered how pleasure, intimacy, affection, recognition, self-affirmation, release, and other feelings may overlap within ‘I want sex.’

And what finally comes into view is perhaps this.

Sex does not have such a hold on us because it is a single desire.

Perhaps it is because we entrust so many different desires to that one word: sex.

That may be why something so brief can reach so far into our lives.

We can imagine sex that has not happened yet.

We can remember sex that is over.

We remember being wanted by someone.

We remember the warmth of a body touching ours.

And one day, we want someone again.

It is a moment, yet it does not end in that moment.

Perhaps that is what sex is for us as human beings.

And if the feeling

‘I want sex’

arises in you, there is no need to rush into feeling ashamed.

You might gently ask yourself what lies beneath it.

Do I want an orgasm?

Do I miss the warmth of another person?

Do I want someone to desire me?

Do I simply want a little distance from everyday life?

There can be more than one answer.

It is all right not to know the answer yet.

Trying to understand your own desires is one way of treating yourself with care.

We hope OPUS can be a place where you feel at ease acknowledging those feelings.

SERIES COMPLETE | All 5 Chapters

Why Does Sex Have Such a Hold on Us?

If you would like to read again from Chapter 1, you can find the series on the official OPUS website.

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