I want to have sex. But I don’t want him in my daily life. | 5-Part Series
I Want Sex. So, With Whom?
A boyfriend, a friend with benefits, an affair partner, a one-night stand, or a professional companion.
The question isn’t “Which one is right?”
It is what kind of distance do I actually want?
“I want to have sex.”
There is nothing unusual about a woman feeling that way.
Sometimes you masturbate.
Sometimes you watch porn.
Sometimes you spend an evening alone, simply being present with your own body.
And sometimes, that is enough.
But on other days, what you want is different.
You want to have sex with someone.
That feeling can exist too.
You may want another person’s warmth. You may want the experience of being physically and emotionally present with someone else. You may simply want sex that is not solitary.
But that does not necessarily mean, “I want a boyfriend.”
What this five-part series explores is the space between those two desires: a feeling that many women recognize, but that is not always given a clear name.
I Don’t Necessarily
Want a Boyfriend.
You have work.
You have time with friends.
You enjoy weekends on your own.
You go where you want, read, travel, and spend your time as you choose.
At night, you go to bed when you feel like it.
You already have a life of your own.
And because of that,
wanting sex does not necessarily mean wanting to reorganize that entire life around a romantic relationship.
That distinction matters.
“I want sex tonight.”
“I want this person to become part of my everyday life.”
Those two feelings do not have to mean the same thing.When you have a boyfriend, sex is not the only thing that enters your life.
Depending on the relationship, you may eventually begin thinking about a future together as well.
If that is what you want, it can be wonderful.
But “I want sex tonight” and “I want this person in my everyday life” do not have to be the same desire.
Once you separate those two questions, the available choices begin to look very different.
So,
Who Do You Have Sex With?
Broadly speaking, there are several different possibilities.
The point is not to decide which one is universally right.
Human relationships are never this simple.
A romantic relationship can be remarkably free. A friends-with-benefits relationship can develop deep emotions.
Someone you expected to see for only one night may become someone you see again.
Still, placing the five possibilities side by side
makes their differences easier to see.
Instead of “Who Is Best?”
Ask “What Do I Want?”
A Boyfriend
A romantic relationship can offer a particular kind of security and familiarity.
But it usually means sharing much more than sex.
An Affair Partner
An affair brings a different kind of complexity.
Sharing a secret, or having a private space outside ordinary life, may itself feel compelling.
But precisely because both people already have lives of their own, the relationship can contain complications that are difficult to separate from the intimacy itself.
A One-Night Stand
A one-night stand can appear wonderfully uncomplicated.
If it really is only one night, there may be no relationship to maintain the next morning.
Choosing to have sex once
and
having something simply end after one night are not quite the same thing.
It may become a beautiful memory. Or you may wake up realizing that the experience was not quite what you wanted.
And a Professional.
There is an explicit price, and in return there is a clear boundary from the beginning: you are meeting within the structure of a service.
Viewed only from the outside, that can sound somewhat transactional.
But is that the whole story?
We will return to that question at the end of this series.
And Somewhere in the Middle,
There Is Friends with Benefits.
When these five choices are placed side by side, friends with benefits occupies an interesting position.
as a boyfriend.
as a one-night stand.
You have met more than once, so you know the person.
There is familiarity.
You already know whether you are sexually compatible.
And yet, you are not a couple.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.
But I still want to have sex.”
For that particular combination of desires, friends with benefits can certainly look like the perfect fit.
But How Easy Is It
to Find Someone Who Is “Just Right”?
That is where the next part of the story begins.
Not just anyone can become an ideal friend with benefits.
And most importantly,
You like him.
He likes you.
And both of you want the same kind of relationship.
Only when all of those conditions overlap does someone become the friend with benefits who feels “just right.”
So is finding a friend with benefits really easier than finding a boyfriend?
Or is the ideal FWB simply difficult to find in a different way?
In Chapter 02, we look more closely at that question.
OPUS
You can want sex.
You can not want a boyfriend.
You can want to keep the life you already have.
You do not have to choose only one of those feelings.
What matters is being able to ask yourself,
without disguising the answer,
what it is that you actually want.
OPUS will continue giving quiet language to feelings women may recognize but do not always have a place to express.
OPUS TOKYO →
